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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23092888">now or never now</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/eeveepkmnfan/pseuds/eeveepkmnfan'>eeveepkmnfan</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Atheism, Character Study, I guess that works too?, M/M, or Pre-Game</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 05:02:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,437</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23092888</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/eeveepkmnfan/pseuds/eeveepkmnfan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He takes your hand, he calls your name -</p>
<p>and you are spirited away.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>SaiOu Winter Exchange 2019</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>now or never now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Returnt0zer0">Returnt0zer0</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title from the song of the same name by Metric! </p>
<p>Your prompt was fun to write for, especially when I was thinking about everything I wanted to convey with it. I'm not too ure if I succeeded or not, but in the end, I'm happy with how it turned out. I hope you enjoy it! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You are Saihara Shuichi, and you have always wondered what it is like, having friends. Your uncle asks, every once in a while over the phone, “Have any wild parties yet?”, laughter in his voice because even if one of you is barely home and the other so quiet it is like you don’t even exist - the both of you still know that of course you would never. If he had never brought the topic up, you would never have thought of it; it is like being a detective, too - if he had never taken you in after your parents died, you probably would have just ended up being some sort of office worker or doctor, as they’d wanted.</p>
<p>They loved you, you know, but still you can’t help but wonder: would they love you a little less for how things had turned out, would they be disappointed? Or would they be proud of you - for once in your life, it felt like you had a choice that mattered, and so you took it, even if you faltered at first. </p>
<p>Sometimes you feel disappointed, and you wish you didn’t know why. You are an only child, an obedient child, one who is so scared of who you could be that you always, always hesitate. What if, that one voice ends up whispering to you, what if you mess up and everyone realizes that you aren’t much of anyone at all? </p>
<p>It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but the times you are proudest of yourself are when you’re solving cases of missing cats and misplaced items. </p>
<p>When you’d first enrolled in your new high school, you had met Akamatsu Kaede, and for some reason that still confuses you, she’d led you around and shown you your classroom (the both of you in the same one) and at the end of that first day, had invited you to hang out. Stammering and awkward, you’d managed to decline, and ended up feeling awful the whole walk home when she ended up frowning. She’d said, “Maybe next time, then!”, but you had focused on that conversation for hours, feeling guilty and like something was wrong with you. Is there? </p>
<p>A few more students had tried reaching out as well, but you’d avoided them all until they finally backed down (Momota-kun still tried), and now you just exist where you are familiar: a place of amicable distance. </p>
<p>Sometimes, whenever Momota-kun or Akamatsu-san gives you an offhand smile, like they don’t even think about doing it (like it comes naturally to them), you think about a scenario in which you go over to them and ask them a question, start a conversation, anything. But it’s just wishful thinking, and as ever, you are your worst enemy. </p>
<p>It is a boy named Ouma Kokichi that you can’t help but feel curious towards - at first, it was just that, but by this point (half a year into this new school) you feel some mishmash of insecure hopefulness and interest that has been caught by the boy in a bear trap - it is a mess, and there are times when he’ll flash you a quick wink or smirk that leaves you blushing as you shrink down in your seat, because it feels as if he’s saying, “See? I’ve caught you!”, and it leaves your heart beating fast for a while even after he turns back around. </p>
<p>Even when he’s being disliked by most of the class for how many lies he tells or pranks he pulls (one time, he played one with Yonaga-san; you’d never seen him smile like before, and that was when you realized that it was the first time you’d seen him genuinely smile) it amazes you how confident he is, how he lets nothing stop him from saying what he wants. </p>
<p>He is everything that you aren’t, and you are fascinated. So when one day he takes your hand and looks at you with mischievous eyes as he asks you if you want to go on an ‘adventure’ with him after school, of course you say yes. You agree without even thinking, and for once there is nothing inside your head but thoughts of just what in the world he’s up to, and why he needs you for it.</p>
<p>The rest of the day passes slowly, and every time you start to have doubts, it is like he can sense it, because throughout the day he sends you looks and paper airplanes that he draws both ridiculous doodles and random proverbs on (<em>not seeing is a flower</em>) and so the day ends up with you accidentally ignoring the lessons as you try to sort through all the various meanings and motives he could have. By the time it is the end of the day and he is grabbing your hand again, he asks if you’re ready, and truthfully, you aren’t - but there is no hesitation in your lie as it tumbles out of your mouth, no stutter in sight, and he grins at you and then leads you to the door.</p>
<p>Just before you’re out of the classroom, you catch Akamatsu-san tilting her head at you with a puzzled smile on her face, and for some reason, that gives you a little courage.</p>
<p>You don’t know how long the two of you spend walking, but it doesn’t really feel that long of a trip at all when you have Ouma-kun rambling and talking about everything in the world - it is everything you never knew you wanted to hear, and as snow starts falling, you watch him as he pulls his purple scarf (the one that looks handmade) up to his mouth and giggles as he tells you he’ll be so embarrassed if you keep admiring him like that, Saihara-chan!</p>
<p>Your head snaps forward as you bite your lip, hearing his laughter just get louder as you apologize, and it feels like he’s laughing at you but not in a malicious way. It makes you want to laugh along with him, but nothing comes out, and you think to yourself that every once in a while, Ouma-kun must be a kitsune. </p>
<p>“But I don’t mind if it’s you, Saihara-chan,” he says, into a silence that he breaks as easily as breathing, making your heart stop for just one minute as you obsess over what that could mean.</p>
<p>Ouma-kun returns to making easy conversation and you don’t even realize when the two of you arrive at your destination until he throws his arms out and tilts his head with a smile as he yells, “Ta-dah! Welcome to one of my many secret bases, my dear detective! You should feel honoured I didn’t even blindfold you!”</p>
<p>He looks at you with gleaming, dark eyes, and maybe you were wrong, because he is surely fae, the way he beckons, beckons, beckons you into his very own fairy ring - a tall and imposing church that is half ruined by abandonment, time its well worn lover.</p>
<p>You sit next to him on a dusty pew that looks up at a grand and great mosaic - cracked and missing some pieces, but still beautiful. He is right beside you, and you try not to look at him as he swings his feet idly, like a child.</p>
<p>You remember your parents taking you to a church a lot like this one when you were younger. They are memories that are more blur and fuzz than something you can truly recall, but you wonder if your parents had been religious. If they had taken you often, or if they’d stopped after having you.</p>
<p>“Ouma-kun, why-” You speak up, but he interrupts, and yawning wind echoes through the building like some kind of eerie music. </p>
<p>He turns to face you. “You know, Angie-chan told me a secret!” You wonder why, again. Why has he brought you here, why has he been saying all these things to you, why is he so interested in you? </p>
<p>You don’t ask him what she told him, and he laughs, the sound just a bit empty. His head turns back, and you glance at him from the corner of your eye, nervous and doubtful that you haven’t already somehow messed this up.</p>
<p>Maybe you had been excited when he asked you, but now all you can think is that this was a mistake.</p>
<p>A few minutes pass, and then, surprising even yourself, you try again. Your voice comes out quiet and hesitant, but at least it comes out even. “Do you think there’s a heaven?”</p>
<p>If he looks at you, you don’t see it. “Probably not,” and his voice is this bitter thing that you’ve never heard from him, and all too suddenly, you are reminded of yourself. You’ve spent so long doubting yourself that it’s long become part of you, and it is ugly. You are ugly.</p>
<p>But there is no world in which someone could call Ouma-kun that and it be the truth, and so you simply say, “Yeah. I used to wonder where my parents went. At the funeral, there was a Christian service, and the priest… prayed for their souls in heaven. But even back then, I don’t think I believed him.”</p>
<p>Ouma-kun smiles as he turns to you. “Isn’t the idea of reincarnation more fun?”</p>
<p>You can’t help but smile back. “If there is some sort of afterlife, that wouldn’t be so bad.”</p>
<p>And there in that moment, he takes his gloves off and then motions you to do the same, and you do. You do, and then he takes your bare hands in his and you can feel his touch all the way in your fingertips, warm and searing and so much.</p>
<p>“Is this kitsune-tsuki, then?” You wonder, and the both of you look at each other for a mere second before laughing, the bridge of your skin never breaking. </p>
<p>When the two of you finally calm down, Ouma-kun wipes a tear from his eye and smiles. “Aw, does Saihara-chan really think me so devious?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” you answer at once, and his expression turns wicked. Without a word, he says to you, well, you’re not wrong. You almost laugh again, and he catches you in the act, eyes devious as he pulls both of your hands up to sit in the air between you. It is the dead of winter, there is wind blowing through various holes of this dilapidated church and yet - </p>
<p>“You’re so warm,” it comes out of your mouth without warning, a little awed and surprised. Ouma-kun squeezes your hands just once, but then he does it again, and then again - he keeps squeezing, just tiny barely there sensations of pressure, and it occurs to you that you’ve never seen anyone so kind as when he tells you, “I’m always too hot, even in winter. Are you cold, Saihara-chan?”</p>
<p>And you almost tear up as you sit there and hold hands with a boy you finally let yourself admit you like (and you think he might even like you too, and that thought by itself is overwhelming). You say yes, and your voice breaks in the middle, but he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t look at you with pity or sympathy or like you’re something fragile, and so like an avalanche, the rest of your words come rolling down. You’ve known them for a long time, but you think you needed someone there with you to help you say them out loud.</p>
<p>“I’ve always been cold.” They aren’t even for Ouma-kun; they’re more for you now, those words, and you feel choked up and emotional and it feels so wrong and so right to finally admit. You squeeze his hands so tightly you’re afraid he’ll let go. He doesn’t.</p>
<p>“I’m too powerful, huh, Saihara-chan?” He brags, and you start laughing, voice a little wet. He’s definitely not lying.</p>
<p>Eventually, your emotions settle into something approaching normal, and he grins at you. “So, how are you enjoying our first date, Saihara-chan? Did you want to show me your secret lair next? Oh! Maybe you’re like Batman, and you have a secret cave! Do you have a cave, Saihara-chan?”</p>
<p>You immediately blush, and you curse your pale complexion. “Date??” </p>
<p>Ouma-kun leans against your side and you don’t move a muscle, afraid he’ll leap up and tell you he was joking if you do. But when he looks at you, his face is blank and unreadable; oddly enough, it’s the lack of an expression that lets you know that he’s sincere. </p>
<p>“Duh! Saihara-chan, I can’t believe you didn’t realize this was a date… well then, I guess I’ll just have to keep taking you out until you admit we’re dating!”</p>
<p>You never imagined that the first crush you had on a boy would end up like this, but beside the voice in your head that tells you this is a terrible idea, there’s another that says it’s worth it. Your ears are red and your heart is pounding, your hands clammy - and yet, somehow, you still find the courage to say to him, “I think I’d like that, Ouma-kun.” </p>
<p>And as Ouma-kun starts to blush himself, you smile to yourself, giddy and happy. You feel <em>good</em>. He makes you feel good.</p>
<p>“You’re horrible, Saihara-chan! Just horrible, launching a sneak attack at me like that! What are you, a level forty-eight assassin!?” Ouma-kun hides his face in his scarf and his arms, but he never breaks the hold on your hands, which is just as well.</p>
<p>You don’t want to let go either.</p>
<p>You think… you want to start trying a little more. Maybe you’ll start with Akamatsu-san, or Ouma-kun will introduce you to Yonaga-san. Maybe you’ll approach Kirigiri-san, who you’ve heard so much about, who’s in a few classes above you.</p>
<p>Maybe you’ll ask your uncle to come home and spend the holidays with you this year.</p>
<p>Not much has changed, and yet. </p>
<p>When you have someone walking beside you, someone who holds your hand and lets you hold their hand, too - nothing feels quite as heavy as it did before.</p>
<p>Ouma-kun walks you to your doorstep, and just as you turn to go inside, he stands on his tiptoes and quickly presses a kiss to your cheek, and you can’t stop smiling as he runs off, snickering to himself that he’ll steal all your kisses if you’re not more careful.</p>
<p>You flop down face first on your bed - you can’t think of anything you’d like more.</p>
<p>And you think to yourself that so long as you keep wanting to try, you’ll be okay.</p>
<p>(You want to hear him call your name again.)</p>
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